Falling n love w/ your family

Resolution: Let Consequences Speak for You (and save your voice)

01/13/2012 2:50 pm · 6 comments

Falling in Love with your  Family by Alison

In a Nutshell: Using consistent Natural or Logical Consequences for children’s misbehavior is fair and effective. 

Last week’s post on not yelling at kids got some interesting Facebook comments.  There are lots of ways to have a successful family, but there is a common misconception that parents have to choose between yelling and hitting or letting kids grow up spoiled and unruly.  (For more information on this see the post on Authoritarian, Permissive, and Authoritative Parenting.)  The reason parents usually yell is to try to correct misbehavior.  Can I offer another solution?  Using consequences instead of yelling can teach the child, preserve the relationship, and save your voice.

In your GPS (Gain Perspective Session), take your notebook and make a list of things your kids do to misbehave and otherwise drive you crazy.  Next to the behavior, write what currently happens after that misbehavior.  Be honest with yourself!  Maybe some entries would look like this…

Behavior                                                                                       Consequence

Spencer hits his sister and makes her cry                       I tell him hitting is wrong and then spank him

Chloe won’t get dressed for school                                   I yell at her from downstairs three times                                                                                                                               and threaten to leave her

Once you have your list, look it over with analytical eyes.  Do you have an effective consequences in place?  Or are your kids mostly getting nagged, chewed-out, threatened, hit, and guilt-tripped when they misbehave?  Do you beg them to stop but never follow through?  If you need a bit of fine tuning, here are some guidelines to help develop a system of consequences.

Natural Consequences: Consequences parents allow to happen, but do not create.  They come from the environment, society, or nature.

Examples:

1) Your son won’t put on his coat to play outside in the snow = He gets cold

2) A child won’t complete homework assignments = Their teacher has them miss recess

3) You ask a child to leave a toy in the car so it doesn’t get lost = The toy gets lost in the store

These situations are just examples, and sometimes these misdeeds may require more intervention than described (for example, you wouldn’t let your toddler go away on a sledding trip without a coat).  But parents should never miss a chance to let a child learn a lesson from the “real world.”  Natural Consequences often take patience because we sometimes have to sit back and wait for the lesson to be learned.  When the consequence comes, it is hard to let the consequence do the talking, instead of saying, “I told you so!”  A simple empathetic statement like, “I’m sorry you got cold” or “I’m sorry you left your book in the rain” will suffice.

There are some obvious times when using Natural Consequences isn’t very bright, like when a child runs in front of a car or wants to drink cleaning supplies.  There are also times when there really isn’t a Natural Consequence that applies.  That’s where Logical Consequences come into play.

Logical Consequences: Consequences that are connected to the misbehavior and make sense.

Examples:

1) Your daughter leaves her bike out in the driveway repeatedly = Lock up her bike for a predetermined length of time.

2) Your sons make a huge mess in their room = Suspend TV until the room is clean

3) Your teenage daughter came home two hours late = She doesn’t get the car for the next two weeks

Again, these are just ideas to help you think about the Logical connections you can make for misbehavior.  For behaviors you see all the time, teach your child ahead of time what they can expect if they choose to misbehave.  Then, when the bike is left out again, you don’t have to yell at your child how ungrateful they are for misusing such an expensive gift or ask them senseless questions like, “How many times have I told you not to leave your bike in the driveway?!?”  Let the consequence do the teaching.  The bike gets locked up.  When the child complains or breaks down, you can just smile sympathetically, pat them on the head, and say, “I’m sorry you chose to leave your bike out.”  Episode over.

Try It Today: In your notebook, write down some ideas of consequences for common misbehavior you know you’ll see.  If you find yourself starting to yell at your kids, put yourself in time-out for a minute or two and think of a Natural or Logical Consequence that would teach the lesson more effectively…and save your voice!

Leave a comment about the Natural or Logical Consequences that work best at your house!

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Resolution: Don’t Yell at Your Kids

01/06/2012 2:50 pm · 7 comments

Falling in Love with your Family by Alison

In a Nutshell: If you want your children to hear what you say, don’t yell.

Over Christmas Break, in the spirit and giving and receiving, I picked up a nasty virus that has wiped out my voice.  I can only muster up a croaky little whisper.  As I whisper my questions and instructions to my family, I am reminded of a very true principle: People generally respond back in the same tone in which they are addressed.  I am amazed at how many times in the last few days I have asked a child something in a little whisper and they have responded back in a little whisper.  Even my ultra-boisterous three-year-old responds in a tiny voice.  They are still yelling loud enough to be heard in a remote corner of Canada when they are playing with each other, but when I ask quietly, they tend to respond quietly.

Most parents are yellers.  By nature, I’m a yeller too, and I have worked my whole life to cool down my hot head.  Parenting is just such a frustrating adventure at times that it seems my best intentions to smile sweetly and speak kindly are easily thrown to the wind when my sons become a wrestling ball of destruction or I find my pajama-clad daughters combing their dolls’ hair when we’re 5 minutes late for school.  But I have learned a couple things about kids brains that convinces me yelling is not the way to go.  In fact, it’s pretty stupid.  Here are just two reasons why…

1. Kids don’t learn when they are scared.  If your child is worried about what the raving lunatic in front of them is going to do next, they are not hearing a word you say.  When correcting a child, we want them to use reason and problem solving so they will learn from mistakes and improve.  In the brain, this type of learning takes place in the  in the frontal lobe.  But when faced with anger, danger, or stress, the part of the brain that is active is the brain stem, responsible for the fight or flight response.  Their minds are dealing with your anger and their fear, not with the reasons they should have behaved and their plans for future self-improvement.  You have primed them to fight (yell, argue back, hit) or flight (withdraw physically or emotionally, shut down), but not to learn.

2. Children mirror our emotion.  In studies, babies only days old make facial expressions that are modeled to them.  They continue doing so through life.  In fact, one theory maintains that we have literal “mirror neutrons” in our brains that fire both when we act and when we observe an action performed by someone else.  Basically, the same response that causes us to flinch when someone else stubs their toe can cause children to reflect the angry emotions they observe.  Not exactly what you want when the kid is already out of control!

The good news is we can use this response to our advantage.  When you handle a misbehaving child, focus on what emotions you are displaying, both with your voice, facial expressions, and body language.  When you model calmness in stressful situations, you are likely to help an angry child come up to your level, instead of the other way around.

Like I said in the first post, “I strongly believe there isn’t a punishment effective enough, or a discipline technique clever enough to make any real and lasting improvement without a fun, warm, nurturing, positive atmosphere.”  If allow your temper to destroy relationships, you have lost your effectiveness as a parent.  If you choose to yell your corrections to your child, it is for you.  It is you venting your frustration.  Don’t talk yourself into thinking that you are teaching, because they aren’t learning.

With all that said, most of will lose our cool this week.  Most of us will today.  We are a work in progress as much as our kids.   Apologize, move on, and try harder tomorrow.  And maybe, the next time your daughter decorates the cat in your favorite lip stick, or your teenager puts a car in the garage without opening the door first, you can remember their little brains and choose not to yell…so they can hear what you say.

 

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The Family GPS

12/30/2011 2:50 pm · 0 comments

Falling in Love with your Family by Alison

In A Nutshell:  Happy Families take planning!  Once  month, have a GPS (Gain Perspective Session) to help you successfully navigate your way to a stronger family.

New Years is one of my favorite holidays because it embodies the principle of change. For that first week in January, it seems that anything is possible.  Now is a great time to recommit to strengthening your family.  Like most things that are worthwhile, it takes solid, consistent work to make things happen.  This year, I hope you’ll join us on a fun and meaningful journey to a stronger family.  To start with, you are going to need something very important…a GPS. 

GPS System

There is one topic I can truly speak authoritatively on–getting lost.  I get disoriented in the mall, and I have taken 4 hour detours on road trips.  I know lost.  I’ve learned in order to actually reach a destination, there are three very important components to know: 1) Where you are now, 2) Where you want to go, and 3) How to get to there.   The GPS (Global Positioning System) was invented for location-challenged people like me.  My GPS tells me where I am with a little dot.  It shows me my destination point.  And it draws a nice line on the fastest route there.  If you feel like you are wandering haphazardly through family life, a little overwhelmed or a little lost, try implementing a GPS.

GPS = Gain Perspective Session

The first challenge for 2012 is to implement a Gain Perspective Session.  This is a 30 minute piece of time each month where you ask yourself where your family is now, where you want your family to be, and how you can get there.  In between pancakes flying at breakfast and meltdowns at bedtime, most parents don’t feel like they have time to reflect, plan, and prepare for having a successful family.  But having a “hope it all works out”  approach to marriage and parenting is the equivalent of taking off on a road trip without any idea of where you are going and being surprised when you don’t make it.  Once a month, the GPS is a time to reorient and recommit yourself to success. 

Try it Today:

1) Choose a time and date that will work for your GPS.  Write it on your calendar. 

2) Get a notebook.  

3) As a couple or by yourself, write answers to the following questions:

  • Where are we?  What is going well in our family?  What are the specific problems we are facing?
  • Where do we want to be?  What kind of family culture would you like to create?  What are your dreams for your family?  What kind of marriage do you want to have? 
  • How can we get there?  What resources can help deal with our problems?  What ideas can we implement to address specific behaviors?  How can we help individual children?  What can we specifically do to strengthen our marriage?

 4) Now, DO something!  Make reminder cards to remember to praise your child and tape them to your mirrors.  Pick up the phone and hire a babysitter for a date night.  Go to the Library and check out books on getting your child to sleep better.  Act on your good intentions.  Check your plan often through the month to make sure you are still on track! 

You’ve got to know where you are going in order to get there!  Investing the time for a monthly GPS will help you arrive at the family life you are hoping for.   

Happy New Year!

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Have Yourself a Merry Imperfect Christmas

12/23/2011 2:50 pm · 7 comments

Falling in Love with Your Family by Alison

My Christmas Clump O' Nutcrackers

I bought these little wooden Nutcracker Ornaments when they were cheaper than dirt last January.  I saw them not as the unfinished product they were, legs and arms tangled in the reject bin, but as they would be–the focal point of my lovely tree, painted in glittering red, blue, and green, maybe even with tiny brass buttons on their little jackets.   But busyness hijacked the first weeks of December and I finally put them, unfinished, on my nearly-naked tree.  Then sickness hijacked last week, and I have spent more time Lysol-ing the house  and snuggling fevered kids than caring about crafts.  That’s not to say that the Nutcrackers have been ignored. They have danced, dangled, and dropped all of December, compliments of my three youngest children.  They’ve gone to battle, engaged in meaningful conversations, and lost a shoe or too.  They’ve even had their hair trimmed, the little piles of white fuzz still sitting on my kitchen counter.  And then last night after the humidifier was going and the sick ones were finally asleep, I wandered downstairs.  I saw that some child had decided that Nutcrackers must be social animals because all of them had been moved to the same branch of the tree.  They were an unruly, comical sight, and I had to smile after a long day.  I thought for a minute about spacing them out again and I even thought about staying up late and finally getting them painted.  But I think I’ll leave them alone (until they’re relocated by the next creative burst from my children).  Maybe they are a more accurate symbol of the way Christmas should be…totally imperfect.

In my struggle for meaningful experiences for my family, I often fall into the trap of thinking that things need to be perfect in order to be meaningful.  I want everyone to laugh and smile as they decorate the tree, keep their fingers out of the icing, and not hit each other in the back seat of the car on the way to do a good deed.  I want family visits to be ideal, and meals to look like they did in the magazine.  But sometimes  my kids throw tantrums on Christmas morning instead of smiling rosy-cheeked for the camera.  Or they whine or don’t want to sing carols.  Instead of gleefully playing with toys, one threw up in her brother’s Christmas stocking two years ago.  It is easy to feel disappointed or even angry when things go wrong when we’ve tried to make things nice for our families.  But trying to make things perfect usually just makes things stressful and leaves us feeling more like Scrooge than Santa.

Maybe there is no such thing as a perfect Christmas.  And maybe that’s good.  Maybe the point is, in the middle of it all, to find Peace instead of Perfection.  Peace in finding ways to give others joy.  Peace in taking quiet time to think about the reality of angels rejoicing over a baby in a manger.  Peace in embracing the quirkiness and unpredictability of real life; of giving up the perfect tree in favor of a big clump of unpainted Nutcrackers.  Instead of worrying about some illusive image of what Christmas should be, I think I’ll follow their lead and just snuggle up tight with those I love.

I hope you have a very peaceful, very merry, very imperfect Christmas.

 

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Thrifty and Meaningful Christmas Gifts

12/16/2011 2:50 pm · 1 comment

Falling in Love with your Family Guest Post, by Alison

One Christmas we braved the snow to spend the holidays with my husband’s family.  That year I snagged lots of Amazon deals and had them shipped to my in-laws.  Great idea, right?  The trouble was that I stopped paying attention to all the messages from Amazon in my inbox.  It was late on Christmas Eve when we realized in horror that we hadn’t received the main gift we had purchased for our eight-year-old son.  He had some smaller presents, but nothing that would bring any kind of Christmas morning “Wow.”  I checked my email messages to see a really important back order notification…just a little too late.  It was probably 1 am by this time and the only gift we could’ve mustered in that small town at that hour was probably a bag of Doritos and a shot of No-Doze from the gas station.  We remembered how he had mentioned when he was old enough, he wanted to play the trumpet like his dad.  It was down to the storage room, where we shined up, oiled up, and wrapped up his dad’s old trumpet.  We were a little nervous on Christmas morning to see if he would be excited about his second-hand treasure.  But that boy beamed with delight.  He was so excited to have something that had been his fathers, and so excited that we trusted him with it now.   I just went to his first band concert tonight, four years later, as he played his afterthought trumpet.

With the memory of that gift fresh in my mind, I thought that perhaps other “thrifty gift suggestions” would be helpful as we try to make the holidays meaningful–and on budget–for our families.

1. Give a Treasure

This picture is of my girls snuggling my favorite childhood doll, “Kissy.”  Awhile ago, Sarah also posted a picture of Maverick loving her old doll to death.    Do you have an old treasure you could reinvent for your children this Christmas?  You could attach a note that reads, “I can’t wait to play dolls with you!”  Maybe your parents still have your favorite books, old legos, or even an retro video game system.  Even though your kids can probably cream you at pac-man, they’d love an official challenge written along with your gift. Think about Grandpa’s old pocket knife for an older child, or a dress-up box filled with Mom’s old formals for a preschooler.  Dig through the storage boxes for that special toy, or find an old favorite movie on ebay.  After all, having kids is the best way to re-live childhood!

2.  Give a Memory

Think of what experiences you want your children to have, and try to link up a gift that will help make that possible.  You could wrap up tickets for you and your child to attend an orchestra concert, play, zoo, or children’s museum.  If they have always wanted to go camping, give each child a sleeping bag and buy a big tent for the family.  Write your promise to take them camping on a bag of marshmallows.  You could fill a jar full of Chuck-E-Cheese tokens (using the coupon from the newspaper inserts, of course) and enclose a promise for a visit over the vacation.  You may need to slip a tranquilizer under the tree for yourself to take before you enter that adrenaline-charged madhouse :) but you’ll have a great time building memories.

3. Give your Time

It’s what your kids really want, anyway. Maybe the best coupons that will change hands this Christmas are the ones you make for your children, giving them a bit of you.  The certificates may read “Good for one free basketball shoot at the park”  “Redeem for two extra stories at bedtime”  “Free breakfast in bed” “This coupon good for one free manicure”  “Good for a piggy back ride–fast–for as long as you want,”  what your kids will really read is, “I love you enough to spend time with you.”

What other thrifty gift ideas can you think of that add meaning to Christmas?  Comment here and pass along your great idea!

 

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The 79 Cent Date Night

12/09/2011 2:50 pm · 3 comments

Falling in Love with Your Family by Alison

In the busyness of the holiday season, I know I am usually more concerned about where the tape is than about how my marriage is faring.  Our relationship is strong, I reason, so gravity can take it to the position of a distant satellite to planet Frenzy.  But then I find myself getting snappy and bossy.  We misinterpret simple statements, and each feel that we’re the one doing all the work.  Faults come under the magnifying glass, and we find ourselves in the middle of ridiculous arguments.  In short, our marriage slides.

I recently read a great description of the natural atrophy that threatens marriage by William J. Doherty, the author of The Intentional Family.  He uses the metaphor of the Mississippi River, which flows near his office.

”I say that family life is like putting a canoe into that great body of water.  If you enter the water at St. Paul and don’t do anything, you will head south toward New Orleans. If you want to go north, or even stay at St. Paul, you have to work hard and have a plan. In the same way, if you get married or have a child without a working plan for your family’s journey, you will likely head ‘south’ toward less closeness, less meaning, less joy over time. A family, like a canoe, must be steered or paddled, or it won’t take you where you want to go. . . . Only an intentional family has a fighting chance to maintain and increase its sense of connection, meaning and community over the years.”

One of the most important things to “keep paddling” upstream is to continue to date after marriage.  There have been times when it was financially impossible to hire a sitter and have a night on the town, and other times when other demands threatened to absorb every bit of family time.  We’ve had to stay committed to buffering enough time to stay close.  Here’s one “no-excuses” date idea that came from being busy and cash-strapped, but still needing a date night.  It is under a buck (under 30 cents if you find the right deals!) and doesn’t require a babysitter.

Try it Tonight:

All you need are sleeping children or a good movie, candles, and a pack of M&M’s.

Light the candles and open the M&M’s.  Without looking, pick one and do what the color indicates.  Have fun reconnecting!

Red: Give your spouse a kiss

Green: A quality or characteristic you admire in your spouse

Yellow: A happy memory from your courtship or marriage

Blue: A dream or wish you have

Brown: Share a story from your childhood

Orange: Make up your own (in other words…I’m not telling what orange is!)

(You can change what the colors mean to fit your relationship or to play a modified game with kids)

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Shopping with Kids and Other Hair-raising Adventures

12/02/2011 2:50 pm · 1 comment

Falling in Love with your Family by Alison

Ahhhh.  The Christmas season is upon us.  Parents happily shop around town, finding everything they are looking for.  Red-cheeked children are giddy with delight as they select the perfect gifts (all within price range) to bless others with.  Babies coo in their car seats as they go from store to store to store to store, and toddlers smile at strangers in Wal-Mart.  What?  This isn’t your shopping reality?  Well, it isn’t mine, either.  Going shopping with all of my five sweet children in tow is right up there with root canals and strep throat.  But I have found a few survival techniques that may be helpful  as we enter the shop-a-thon season.

Be Realistic

If you know you have a marathon shopping trip planned, consider trading babysitting with a friend, or waiting until a spouse or grandparent can be with the kids.  Face it–most kids can’t handle 4 hours of shopping.  Be realistic about children’s bladder capacity.  If you are gone a long time, it is pretty inevitable that someone is going to have to pee.  (And they are probably going to start the potty dance as soon as you get to the register to pay.)  They are going to get hungry and they are going to get bored.  They’re kids.

Plan ahead

A little preparation goes a long way.  If you are shopping from a printed sale, cut out a few pictures from the ad and tape them to a paper for an instant treasure hunt.   Younger kids get so excited when they see something from their list.  Older kids can be coupon-keepers and be on the lookout for those items.  Consider keeping a stash of small toys in your purse, or little board books that you can pull out to distract your little ones.  Planning ahead also involves pre-teaching your children what you expect from them on the trip.  You know who is going to whine for a candy bar, and who is going to hide from you in the clothing racks.   Remind them what you expect before you go in the store, and set a reward if they behave appropriately.  I have sometimes given kids coins in their pockets before we enter a store.  If they behave, they get to keep the coins and get something in the vending machine on the way out.  If they don’t, one by one they lose them–and lose the treat.  You can do the same with tokens that might earn screen time or a game with you.  Plan ahead to praise your kids before they start misbehaving.  “You guys are doing great!  I love taking you shopping!” goes a long way in prevention.

 Improv

If you didn’t have time to prepare and your little ones are getting cranky, you can always play “I Spy.”  Ask questions like, “Do you see a Grandma?”  “Who sees a baby” or “See if you can see someone still in their pajamas.”  Little kids can look for a certain letter, color, or shape  in the store and older kids can try to find all the letters in their name.  Even the whiniest kid is usually distracted by me making car sounds and pushing the cart fast down the aisle.  Make weird faces.  Tell jokes.  Say nursery rhymes.  Tickle and giggle.  Don’t be afraid to be a little silly and have some fun.  Even if someone cleared the shelf of those Oreos that were going to be $.25 after coupons, we can still keep a good attitude and  help make shopping a fun experience for our kids.

Put it in perspective

Unfortunately, we don’t get to choose what sticks forever in our kids’ memories.  A frantic, frustrated, coupon binder-clutching-mother with a scowl on her face is the last thing I want living forever in my children’s minds.  Even a mundane shopping trip can become a great memory.  We can nurture children while snagging the latest deal.  And we can stay in control of our emotions even when they don’t.  Besides, even though it feels like the whole store is staring when a kid is having a hard time, most people really do understand.  I have yet to be offended by a out-of-control child in a store.  But I have yet to be impressed by an out-of-control parent.

What are your best tips for shopping with kids?  This group does a whole lot of shopping and there’s a lot of experience out there!  Tell us what works for you!

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Teaching…and learning…service

11/27/2011 12:10 pm · 3 comments

By Alison (Read Previous Posts Here)

This post was supposed to be about ways parents can teach their children to be thankful by encouraging them to give service.  But as I thought about my experiences as a mom of five, I realized that my kids have usually been my teacher in this area.  So, here are a couple ways to get out of their way and let them serve, as well as some ideas to encourage giving in your family.

1. Go with the Flow

There is one Christmas I still regret, about 5 years ago in Florida.  My husband and I called our little kids together, and asked them what we should do to serve others over the holidays.  They came up with some wild ideas, but we steered them towards what we had in mind.  I think we delivered cookies or something usual like that.  As we roamed the neighborhood, my then four-year-old exclaimed excitedly, “I know what we can do to serve!  We can give some Christmas lights to that house that doesn’t have any!”  I imagined the neighbor scoffing at me, thinking my gift of lights was a not-so-subtle invitation to get with the program and show some holiday spirit.  I quickly doused her enthusiasm and told her that cookies would probably be better and we didn’t really know the people in that house.  I remember that exchange still because I remember the look on her face and feeling even then, like I feel now, that somehow I had squashed something beautiful…a generous thought.

When kids want to present a guest with their homemade popsicle stick crafts, or bring their teacher a wilting flower from the garden, just go with the flow.  It is usually our own pride that gets in the way of their generosity.  Let that giving spirit thrive!  Adults, who too often wonder if our gift is good enough or will impress the receiver, can learn from our kids in this area.

2. Let Them Let Go

Another weakness of mine shows up when children want to give away possessions.  Numerous time friends have come down from one of my child’s bedroom saying, “Lizzy said I could have this!”  I’ve looked in dismay at last month’s birthday gift and turned party-pooper, saying, ” Sure!  You can borrow that for awhile and then bring it back next time.”  Sure, there are times when children need to keep special objects, and we need to make sure that kids aren’t pushovers for opportunists.  But more often than not, it is my price-tag awareness that swishes the child’s generosity.  If I want my kids to be giving, I need to let them give.

3. “Mankind is my Business”

This classic quote from Dicken’s  A Christmas Carol sums it up.  While I believe that children naturally come with good hearts, they do need us to provide them with opportunities to do good things.  It is a privilege and huge responsibility to raise a child that shares the world’s sorrows and feels a need to be an agent for change.  It can be as simple as asking at dinner time what everyone did to help someone that day. It can be as big as sponsoring an orphanage oversees.  Each family needs to do things their own way, but each child deserves opportunities to do something.

4. Walk the Walk

At least two decades ago, the day before Thanksgiving, I was  standing in a grocery store line with my mom, who was happily chatting away with the checker.  (She happily chatted away with everyone.)  I remember listening with a bit of teenage dismay as she invited the checker to eat Thanksgiving dinner with us when she learned she didn’t have any plans.  The woman smiled, but declined.  She wasn’t at Thanksgiving with us, but an elderly neighbor was.  She sat by my dad that afternoon and he listened to her talk for probably two hours, making her feel like the most honored guest.  I don’t remember any lectures from them on being nice, but that day and many more like it are permanently in my heart.

Remember this Holiday Season that your kids are watching…be sure to teach.  And even more important, remember your kids are teaching…be sure to learn.

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Gold Stars and Bean Jars

11/18/2011 2:50 pm · 1 comment

 

Falling in Love with your Family by Alison

“Behavior that is measured is improved.” –Glenn Latham

The statement is apparently true for healthy eating.  One recent study found…

“Nearly 1,700 Kaiser Permanente study participants agreed to exercise and adopt a healthy diet, but those who took the extra step of keeping track of what they consumed got something of a booster charge in their weight loss. . . .Those who kept a food diary every day of the week dropped up to 20 pounds, more than twice as much as those who didn’t record their every bite.”

But this post isn’t about or getting your chocolate cheesecake loving self back into those skinny jeans after New Years.  It’s about improving your family relationships.  Can simply measuring behavior really help in your family?  Here are three ways to use this easy technique to your advantage.

 When to use it: To increase motivation for children to improve their behavior in many different areas.

In a Nutshell: Use paper, a jar, or other recording method to track progress and offer reinforcement.

1. Chart it out

Remember those gold stars from Elementary School?  Many kids respond very well to a visual representation of their behavior.  Simply isolate a behavior you want to encourage, such as going potty in the potty (and not on the restaurant floor…don’t ask), picking up toys, completing homework, doing chores without complaint, etc.  Choose something that excites your child and decide on a reward together.  Then, maybe when your son fills in 5 Lightning McQueen race cars for each day making his bed, he knows he gets to choose a hotwheels from the store or play cars with you after dinner.  Charts don’t have to be fancy or complicated; just grab some construction paper, or use the computer.  I made these sample chart with Microsoft Word in all of 10 minutes (with a cat under my feet and a six-year-old reading to me).  You could probably shave off a minute or two without feline interference and Green Eggs and Ham.  Remember to give your child smiles and encouragement as they progress on their chart.   Remember, the younger the child, the more immediate the reward needs to be.

2. The Bean Jar

One of my favorite motivators is the good ol’ bean jar.  When we need a little more cooperation or if siblings are starting to get feisty, I love pulling out a mason jar.  We decide on a reward, like a family pizza and movie night, and teach what we are looking for.  Then, each time we see the desired behavior, we put in some beans.  I even give them beans when they come up to me smiling saccharin smiles, holding hands, and saying, “Look how well we are getting along, Mom!”  Heck, at least they’re practicing!

3. Keep Data

As you practice new discipline techniques, timing behavior is also useful.  When I’ve had kids going through a tantrum phase, measuring behavior has been my friend.  Instead of getting fried and frazzled by the unruly one, it has helped to just look at the clock and see how long the tantrum lasts.  Sometimes, what seems like an eternity of outrage was actually only 4 minutes.  When the theatrics really did last 45 minutes, you’ll at least have bragging rights when you call your Mom.  And as you apply interventions, such as planned ignoring, it is useful to see the progress your child is making.  You can also keep data for yourself, like keeping Positive Reinforcement Chart, or marking a heart on your calendar every time you do something nice for your sweetheart.  See if your behavior improves as it is measured!

Measuring behavior for behavior improvement is only limited by your imagination.  You could let a child work towards earning a favorite breakfast cereal by accumulating 10 stickers on the unopened box, or earn a trip to Chuck E. Cheese by filling a cup with previously purchased tokens.  You could trace your daughters hand and let her decorate the fingernails when she practices the piano to earn a manicure by mom, or get scoops of paper ice cream on a cone before she earns the real thing.  The sky’s the limit!  Have fun, and see how much the behavior improves around your house with just a bit of measurement.

Try it Today: Make a simple chart with your child’s help.  Pick a target behavior and a reward.  Let us know how it goes!

(Just a note…some child development experts and nutritionists oppose using food as a reward.  I’ve found that if you don’t usually have many treats, food rewards in moderation can be useful and harmless.  If you are concerned about unhealthy connections children may make with food, use rewards such as an activity or a small toy.)   

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Stop, Redirect, Reinforce ~ Falling In Love With Your Family

11/11/2011 2:55 pm · 0 comments

Falling in Love with your Family by Alison

Parenting…the Play, Act I

Son: “Daddy, I have a sliver.  Can you get it out?”

Dad: “Sure!  Just a minute”

(Dad enters, stage right, with a chain saw and revs the engine.)

Dad: “Don’t worry kid.  It will just take a minute.”

Wait!  Ridiculous scene, right?  As parents, we would never take such drastic action for something so small.  But most of us do it every single day!  Too often we “pull out the big guns” for each and every minor mistake our kids make.  Our “discipline” can often exacerbate the situation and end up teaching kids worse behavior than we were trying to correct!  Here is one effective discipline technique to add to your parenting tool belt that teaches children instead of frightening them, and leaves both parent and child feeling good after the interaction.  It’s called STOP, REDIRECT, REINFORCE. 

Who to use it with: Numero Uno discipline strategy for babies and toddlers.  Super effective for older children as well.

When to use it: When a child misbehaves and you want to teach the appropriate behavior.  It can be used in public or private.

When not to use it: When a child has broken a big rule and needs a bigger consequence.

In a nutshell:

STOP the inappropriate behavior

REDIRECT the child to the behavior you want

REINFORCE the good behavior by giving the child attention, encouragement, or thanks

Example: A small child is throwing pebbles at the playground too close to other children.  The parent says, “Rocks are not for throwing. (STOP) Here, put the rocks in this bucket. (REDIRECT)  Good job!  Let’s see if we can fill it to the top. (REINFORCE)”

The STOP step has one purpose—to stop the child who is behaving in a hurtful or inappropriate way so you can teach.  Look the child in the eye and communicate very briefly in a calm, firm voice.  It might sound something like this:

1. “Stop.  No hitting.”

2. “Walls are not for coloring on.”

3. “Don’t pet the goldfish.”

4. “I don’t feel comfortable with the show you are watching.”

REDIRECT is the long lost cousin in parental discipline.  It is easy to tell kids NO, but then what?  Every time you stop an inappropriate behavior, make sure to redirect the child towards the appropriate behavior.  Spell out exactly what you expect of them.  Maybe you would say something like:

1. “Ask him if will give your toy back”

2. “Color on the paper instead.”

3. “You can pet the cat.”

4. “Let’s see what else is on another channel.”

When you’ve stopped the inappropriate behavior and redirected them to something correct, then REINFORCE.  This lets your discipline end on a positive note, chalks up more positive interactions, and gives attention to the good behavior (which increases the likelihood they will do the right thing again.)  Just say or do something positive like:

1. “Thanks for playing so nice!”

2. “Tell me about your picture.”

3. “ He likes it when you pet him.  See how he’s purring?”

4. “Thanks guys.  I feel better about this show.”

Often, the STOP, REDIRECT, REINFORCE method is all that is needed.  This kind of teaching is what babies and toddlers need 99% of the time.  They are simply learning how to behave and they need gentle, consistent reminders of what is and is not appropriate.  Sometimes this method is complicated by a tantrum, even worse behavior, or outright defiance.  Sometimes, kids break big rules and a consequence is in order instead of redirecting.  Sometimes a child needs to go straight to time-out.  But often with the STOP, REDIRECT, REINFORCE method, you’ll find the situation over and done with in a matter of seconds.  The kid isn’t crying and you still have your hair.  It’s certainly worth a try.

Try this Today:  Make a list of inappropriate behaviors you often see that might be good candidates for the STOP, REDIRECT, REINFORCE method.  Practice what you might say.  (Ya, you read that right!  Practice!  Changing behavior takes some effort!)  When you see a behavior that might be a good candidate for this method, give it a try.  Be brief and to the point.  Don’t forget to end with a positive interaction!

To read Alison’s other  posts, click here.

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